NO VICTIMS HERE:
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR LIVES
by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.
In many of the self-help books you read (including mine) you are told,
"Take responsibility for your life!" You may be wondering, "What
exactly does this mean?" As I explain in Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway...
1. Taking responsibility means never
blaming anyone else for anything you are being, doing, or feeling. Never?
But this time, you say, it really is his fault (or her fault, or the boss's
fault, or my son's fault, or the fault of the economy, or my mother's fault, or
my father's fault, or my friend's fault.) If I missed anyone or anything, just
add it to the list. Until you fully understand that you, and no one else,
determine your REACTION to whatever happens...or has happened to you in
the past...you will never be in control of your life. Remember that when you
blame any outside force for how you are feeling about any of your experiences
in life, you are literally giving away all your power and thus creating pain,
paralysis and depression.
2. Taking responsibility means not blaming
yourself. I know this sounds contradictory, but it is not. Anything that
takes away your power...or your pleasure...makes you a victim. Don't make
yourself a victim of yourself! It is important to understand that you have
always done the best you possibly could do, given the person you were at any
particular point in time. Now that you are learning a new way of thinking, you
can begin to perceive things differently and possibly change many of your
actions and reactions. It is all simply part of the learning process - the
process of moving from pain to power - and it takes time. You must be patient
with yourself.
3. Taking responsibility means being aware
of those circumstances in which you are not taking responsibility, so that you
can eventually change. Your clue will be any signs of anger, upset,
blaming, pain, self-pity, envy, helplessness, joylessness or disappointment.
This is not a complete list, but you get the idea. Whenever you feel these
symptoms, determine what you are not doing that is causing you to feel that
way. You will be surprised at how easy it is to locate the area in which you
are abdicating responsibility.
4. Taking responsibility means silencing
the Chatterbox. This is the little voice inside your head that tries to
drive you crazy--and often succeeds! It's the voice that heralds doom, lack and
loss. The good news is that there are very effective ways to get rid of this
kind of negativity--for example, by "outtalking" the Chatterbox with
constant repetitions of positive thoughts, such as...
"Whatever happens, I'll handle it."
"I let go and I trust."
"I focus on my many blessings;
When you notice that your Chatterbox is casting you as a victim, commit to
replacing it with a loving voice. You don't have to associate with enemies--not
even the ones within yourself! I believe this is so important that I have
created a free affirmation booklet, Why Affirmations are So Powerful!
(See the sidebar to download.) And, by the way, once we silence the negativity
of our Chatterbox, we really begin to enjoy being alone!
5. Taking responsibility means figuring out
what you want in life and acting on it. Set your goals, then work toward
them. We might find other goals along the way that we prefer to move toward,
but as long as we realize it is all our choice, we are taking responsibility.
What is most important is our decision to enjoy the process despite how it all
turns out.
6. Taking responsibility means being aware of
the multitude of choices you have in any given situation. It is so
important to realize, as you go through each day, that at every moment you are
choosing the way you feel. When a difficult situation comes into your life, it
is possible to say to yourself, "Okay, choose. Are you going to make
yourself miserable or are you going to learn and grow from it all?" The
choice is definitely yours.
Yes, you have the power to place yourself on the "up" side of any
situation. Keep in mind that this way of thinking is not meant to excuse
inappropriate behavior on the part of others. It simply allows you to make
better choices and have a more satisfying life.
These are just a few tips to help you look into your life and see where you
are not taking responsibility. Learning to take responsibility for your
experience of life requires practice. The point is simply for you to begin. You
will feel better immediately.
You can start by seeing if you can get through one week without criticizing
anyone or complaining about anything. I can almost guarantee that you will have
a very silent week! Each time you experience upset, be conscious of the other
emotional alternatives that are available to you. Make it a game...and laugh a
lot. Remember these two words and say them to yourself often: "I
choose."
© 2008 Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.
NOTES: Please
check Susan Jeffers’s website. Also, check out her books, they are great book
especially “Feel your fear and do it anyway”. Its great book I have read most
of her book its well written and good information in those books.
